i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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