So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
