It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
