I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
BRING THE BAGELS
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
