She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize