You just made me feel so damn special
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
