The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
