I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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