If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
