Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
