I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
