The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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