so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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