a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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