the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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