The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
