saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
