I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
