I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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