The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
