I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
