i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
