i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
