White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Randomize
