remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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