there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
