just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I smell like Dick and happiness
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
