Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
