I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
