There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
