I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
