Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
When did angry sex become our thing?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
