Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
