my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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