It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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