okay pat passed out under dana's car
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
