party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
