You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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