I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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