onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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