remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
