just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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