I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
