i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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