i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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