I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
