Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
