haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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