Do you still have your period?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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