I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
