she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
