Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
