3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
