hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I look better un-naked...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
