My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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